Accountability

This past month has been one of the more difficult ones for me to go through. I've experienced every emotion imaginable. I've been sad, happy, excited, depressed all coupled with fear, determination, strength, weakness, calmness and anxiety. I've done some right things and I've done some wrong things. I've held my tongue when I should have spoken and spoke when I should have held my tongue. I fought when I should have surrendered and surrendered when I should have fought. Sometimes I wonder if I'll get this "life" thing right.

It's in times of uncertainty that I get back to the basics of life and look closely at what's most important: God, my wife, my children, family, friends... I'm greatly blessed in these areas of my life. And though I've been smacked in the face with things which have caused me to examine my own integrity, purity and struggles with both, I am so thankful to have my friends and family who seem to love the real Tim Scarbrough no matter what.

One of the things I've decided to do is set in place a system of accountability for my life. I want to be accountable for what I do and don't do. This means being honest with the people who truly care about my spiritual well being. Next to God, my wife is at the top of the list of people to be completely honest with. I love her dearly and if I can't be completely transparent with her, then I'm setting myself up for ultimate failure.

Recently my heart has been hurt by witnessing the lives of those who keep deep dark secrets from their spouses. I wonder who benefits from this and who ultimately is hurt. I feel bad because I even participated in helping them keep things covered up, and I wonder if what I should have done was encourage and plead with them to open up and be honest with the one who loves them. At times, I've kept things from my wife too, but ultimately, she finds out anyway and depending on what it is, she can be hurt by it, sometimes not by the actual action on my part, but by the lack of disclosure.

I'm also thankful for my Pastor. He's a man I know I could tell anything to and I won't feel judged, but will also be dealt with honestly. I'm amazed by his wisdom and maturity and encouraged by his sincere concern for my well being.

Ultimately I'm a man with strengths and weaknesses. I'm on a journey to be a better man, a better husband, father, friend, employer and brother in Christ. It's those daily choices I make which will determine the outcome of my goal for improvement. It's the knowledge that I have wonderful people around me who are pulling for me and cheering me on.

And no, I'm not writing this because I just did something horrible and I'm putting forth some sort of pseudo confession. I'm writing this because I feel the Lord's conviction that I need to be really careful about the "little" things which can lead to "big" things unless I remain accountable for "all" things.